What is with people "un-friending" you on Facebook without a proper declaration of "hey, let's take a break"? I'm a creeper, I know it, you know it, and Mark Zuckerberg damn sure knows it. You most likely are as well so go ahead and deny it all you want but you know exactly what I'm talking about here. Listen pal, you really think "un-friending" me is going to mean you now live on a different planet I cannot access? Nuh-uh. If my 50 year old high school principal was able to crack into people's Facebooks then that should pretty much tell you all you need to know. Oh, not enough? Listen carefully, I grew up in the dawn of Microsoft and Apple. I know the secret code to Sims, I can keep a Tamagatchi alive for over 48 hours, hacking your Facebook is the least I can do.
Words: the English language can be pretty gross. Here are some words you will see only once (right now) on this blog. They are as follows: moist, placenta, slick, towelette, olfactory, womb, hemorrhoid, hubs, fangs, and squirt.
More words: sometimes words are better if you pronounce them askew. Such as mustache ---> moustache. Hippo ---> heepo.
Superpowers: if you are using "If you could have any super power you wanted what would it be?" as an ice breaker and you don't choose "changing gender at any time" I am judging you. As a humanoid born with female genitalia (that word should be added two paragraphs above) I often wish to change my gender at will. I think about this often, especially when in public lavatories. I would change my gender to use the bathroom, in job interviews, to get a raise, in da club, to not get stared at when using an inappropriate joke at an opportune moment.
Music these days: what in the hell are these wipper snappers listening to? Exhibit A: Lady Gaga's song "Love Game". Do you know how sad and embarrassing it is to have to explain to your husband that the "disco stick" in question is not a mirror glass mosaiced cheer stick? Did you know that in 2000 a song entitled "Liquid Dreams" hit the airwaves? And that song was about exactly what you think it was about. Or how about Fity Cent's "Candy Shop" with the unstoppable lyrics of "I'll take you to the candy shop, I'll let you lick the lollipop, Go 'head girl, don't you stop, Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)". Tell me if I'm wrong, but I think the "woah" may actually be the grossest part of all. Another winner is Ludacris' "What's Your Fantasy?" This song came out when I was in middle school and without knowing exactly what the song was about I memorized the whole rap. This led to some uncomfortable rap battles in college but that's a tale for another post. Side note: both "Candy Shop" and "What's Your Fantasy?" both use the lyrical genius of "champagne campaign". Anybody care to explain? The ball's in your court Luda. What happened to the days of innocent music such as "Sweet Cherry Pie" and "MMMBop"?
Names: why are people giving their kids crazy names? Here are just a few of the gems I have come across: Chaos, Dreamer, Sunshine Daydream, Brando, multiple Neveahs ("heaven spelled backwards"), tons of Bellas (thanks so much Stephenie Meyer), Chandelier, Ventura, Phoenix, Dallas, Justice, Brock. Kids have a sneaky way of becoming the name you give them so parents, please make sure you are setting them up for success and not to be an asshole nor chaos.
The way kids talk: I understand that LeapFrog has some pretty great technology out there for getting our little ones edumucated but they also have spawned one of the most terrible, heinous, sayings I have ever heard exit a child's pie hole. That phrase is as follows: easy peezy lemon squeezy. Every time a child says this I get the heebie jeebies and want to go full-on preschool on them by putting my fingers in my ears and screaming, "La la I can't hear you la la la!"
Lost teeth: first off- why that phrase? Why "lost" teeth? Let's be frank, there are no pretty phrases when it comes to teeth. "I lost my tooth"- gross, I don't want to be he one to find that surprise. "I pulled my tooth out"- par. "My tooth fell out"- what is wrong with your dentist? "My tooth came out"- put it back in. Kids do a lot of gnarly things: poopin, peein, droolin, vomitin, but the thing that I can't even pretend I'm okay with and slap a smile on my face? Teeth. I don't want to hear that you lost your tooth, I do not want to jump around in a circle of excitement, and I DO NOT want to see your tooth necklace hanging around your gullet. Who do you think you are? Daryl from The Walking Dead?! Did you know that schools actually stockpile these little necklaces shaped like a tooth for students to cart their dead teeth around their necks. Animals...all of 'em.
Men (who are not Gerard Butler or Tyson Beckford) without shirts- give me a break. Denial of the right of marriage for all couples- how much time do you have? People who use the R word- talk to the hand. Tyra Banks/ Miranda Lambert- hit the showers. People who don't wave when you let them merge into traffic- what's up with that? Teach For America- Don't get me started. People who spew nonsense- crack a book.
Now get off my lawn.
